Twelve Miles (Serendipity series Book 1) Page 10

  “Jamie, can we talk about this?”

  “There’s nothing to say, Mr. Ellis.”

  “Jamie, call me Sam, please? Look, I know you’re upset.”

  “You think? I have every right to be angry, Sam. You led me on, but it’s not your fault, not entirely at least. I’m mostly mad at myself.” I sighed.

  “I led you on? I did nothing of the sort, and you know it. The kiss, now that I will take the blame for but everything else…”

  “You made an invitation, Sam and you know damn well you treat me differently than the other staff.”

  “Jamie, we’ve already been through this. Look, I’m sorry for that night. I really am, it shouldn’t have happened. I didn’t plan it, but I think you misunderstand me. Amy and I…”

  “No, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t need to hear about your relationship.”

  “We’re not in a relationship.”

  “Right, whatever you want to call it,” I said looking down.

  “Sure, we occasionally slept together, but it was a big mistake that I shouldn’t have ever let happen. I put a stop to it, though.”

  “When? That night. Not only did I realize I hurt you but I wasn’t thinking about getting involved with her. There was no reason for it other than for shallow reasons. As far as treating you differently, I deal with you the way I’d treat anyone with your talent. I treat everyone equally. I’m not a bad guy despite what you think.”

  When I made no move to respond, Sam continued, “I honestly believe that you are someone I could identify with. You know how people are here in Sutton Hill, I just wanted a friend. I guess that was too much to ask for.”

  Sam started pacing around, and I began to cry, “I have friends. I don’t need more friends.”

  “Jamie…”

  “No, you know what? I know what everyone thinks, ‘Jamie, you’re hung up on a guy you just met and barely know, get over it.’ It’s easier said than done, Sam.”

  “You more than barely know me, Jamie.”

  I started to yell, “That’s not the point. Do you even know what it’s like being me? Going your whole life being the odd one out. Being the girl among her friends and always being the one that isn’t ever picked. I am tired of it not working out for me, and I'm sick of people not noticing what I had to offer. I've had enough of the excuses you men come up with because you’re shallow. Actually, I am not sorry. If you can’t see me, then it’s your loss. Not mine.” I slammed the report on my desk and tried to storm out.

  Sam grabbed my arm before I could leave the building. He didn’t say anything but pull me into his arms tight.

  ****

  SAM

  I DIDN’T HAVE THE GUTS to say anything, I just wanted to stop her. I didn’t know what to say or how to react, all I knew is that I didn’t want her to be as hurt as she was and I definitely didn’t want to hurt her at all. I did not intentionally lead her on. I never meant to, and I didn’t realize I had before.

  I enjoyed her company and loved her gentle nature. It was refreshing, and I needed that in my life but attracted to her? I needed to be alone and me breaking up whatever Amy and I had was the reason, not her. I wish Jamie were, but there wasn’t room in my life to let anyone in. It would never be fair for them to keep them at bay when all they would want was more. I wished Jamie could understand that, but it wasn’t too late now.

  It had been a long time since he had been attracted to anyone enough to get into a long-term relationship. Gina, my ex-wife, was the last long-term relationship he had. It was a short marriage, and after her, he had a bevy of women, but none of them stuck. Gina was tall, slim, blonde and beautiful but it didn’t work out. As carefree as I was back then, it wouldn’t have worked out with Gina anyway.

  She didn’t understand where I came from and how overwhelming being a part of the Ellis Family was, neither did Amy or any other woman that came into his life. Gina loved the lifestyle, no doubt and she loved the glitz, glamour and forced her way into having an opinion on the Foundation. She also enjoyed the traveling they did and insisted he take her along.

  God, she was beautiful, but she wasn’t what he needed. Since Gina, there had been a handful of women he dated now and then but nothing that lasted long or went anywhere. I eventually buried myself in my work, family and any extra-curricular activities ever since. I had no time to think about women or dating.

  Being in a serious relationship just wasn’t a part of my life anymore, and all I wanted now was peace. I wanted to just pour everything I had into honoring my father’s legacy. Gina didn’t understand it then, and the groupies and Amy didn’t really know it now. Jamie did, she knew it quite well or at least I thought she did.

  I couldn’t imagine my life alone forever, but in the interim, it was what I needed until I found a balance in my life where I could find myself with the time and energy to dedicate to someone. To find someone who not only understand me, but also my family and my father was not something I found easily. Everyone seemed to want to benefit from the Foundation or my family on some level or another.

  Jamie seemed to, but I couldn’t fathom if it were just another ploy to win me over like all of the others, but I doubted it. She wasn’t like the others, but I couldn’t imagine myself with her. It wasn’t her fault, I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone long-term.

  “Shh, easy now.” Jamie tried to resist, but I held her tight to me. My soothing made her sob even more, and I just held her, trying to soothe her and not saying anything. She was in a vulnerable state, and anything more would have made things worse.

  After her crying had seemed to quiet down, I brushed her hair out of her face and tucked a strand behind her ear, “You okay, now?” I let her out of my arms and Jamie just stood there looking down. I lifted her chin so that she could look directly at me.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, again and again, she said nothing. I pulled her into my arms a second time and sighed, “Jamie, what am I going to do with you?”

  “I’m sorry.” She finally peeped against my chest.

  “You ought to really stop apologizing for being who you are.” I chuckled. “Jamie, I want to talk more about this but it is getting late, and we need to get home. Can we talk about this after the presentation?”

  “Okay.” Jamie agreed, and I grabbed a few tissues and handed them to her.

  I held her face in my hands so I could look directly into her eyes, “I don’t want you to go home feeling miserable, and we will talk more about this. I promise you that my actions and choices have nothing to do with what you look like. It has nothing to do with you, Jamie. It’s more about me and the decisions I’ve made in my life before I even met you. I want you to understand that.”

  “What about Amy?”

  “She…I don’t know. That was a complete mistake that shouldn’t have happened in the first place. I am not at the place in my life where I should be bringing people into it despite what I want.” I sighed. “Come on, we should get going.”

  “Alright.”

  After I had grabbed what I needed from the office, I contemplated the guilt I felt. On my way home, Amy had left a voicemail to let me that she collected her things from my place that she had kept there and didn’t understand why I put a stop to things and if I had anything to do with Jamie. She was taken aback and offended, but it was the right thing to do. I hadn’t intended on leading Jamie on, but I was straightforward with Amy.

  Once home, I walked out to my back door onto my private dock and into the cabin of my boat. I poured myself a Scotch; I didn’t know what I was going to do and the thing that bothered me the most was Jamie didn’t deserve any of this. She was right, I was too friendly, and I definitely overstepped my bounds. Things were going so well ever since she entered my life and now it was getting worse.

  The stars were out and other than the crickets chirping, it was a quiet night. I picked up my acoustic guitar and strummed the strings rhythmically. I didn’t have any so
ngs in mind, I had just started taking lessons only recently, but I hadn’t mastered any modern music yet. To my discomfort, the sounds that typically relaxed me did nothing to ease my distress.

  I put the guitar down and disembarked the boat with the scotch in hand and headed inside to try and catch on some sleep so I could work on the presentation more in the morning. I took off my jacket and draped it over a dining room chair before picking up a file folder to pack it back into my leather bag.

  A folded, thick piece of paper fell to the floor, and at first, I was going to disregard it, but the strangeness of it beckoned him to open it. It was a letter from Jamie.

  Sam –

  I had no intention of writing a letter, it seemed silly at first. An age-old custom that nearly became extinct but I thought better of it. There’s something powerful in the written word and to be successful only requires one thing – transparency. It’s impossible to write without virtue, and so here I am, and there is a lot of stuff that I wanted to say about how I am feeling, but I’ve struggled to find the words. I’ve had time to think about it, and the best way I could describe it is to tell you about who I am and when we met.

  If you had asked me when I was younger if I would ever amount to anything, the answer would have been ‘no.' Could you have blamed me? Back then I had no faith because I did not have anything to be proud of nor believe in. I did not have any achievements, successes and I didn’t even have someone I could call a friend. I did not have my first date until my senior year of college (oh wait, there was that one guy in high school), and I did not accomplish significant milestones that we all have at the appropriate stages, but that’s not really how I wanted this to go. The background history is relevant, though. That’s if you really want to understand where I am coming from.

  Growing up was extremely painful for me to endure and back then my family and I lived in a neighborhood where most of the residents fit into what is called the ‘low-income, working-class tax bracket.’ That’s a nice way of saying we were below the poverty line and crime was an everyday occurrence. Living in such a neighborhood wasn’t a safe place to be if you were by yourself, even in the daylight. My parents weren’t exactly financially sound and let’s be honest, they were struggling. It’s easy to judge me and say you’re sorry, but unless you’ve lived in my shoes, you have no idea what it was like. I don’t want to be pitied.

  Back then, I developed low self-esteem, and as an adult, I often compared myself to my peers or what was seen on television. There were days of envy and worthlessness, and pretty soon walls were built up as a self-defense mechanism, unwilling to let anyone in. It did eventually get better, and I started to discover myself. If I could pinpoint the change, it would be at the Cottonwood Beach Spring Festival, the year was 2009. I was told by a palm reader that unless I let go of anger and bitterness, I wouldn’t be able to love and let love in. She also said that ‘he cared.’

  I had forgotten all about the palm reader but it all came back to me suddenly, and that’s when it occurred to me recently that you were him. You were the man the palm reader spoke of. I’m sure of it. I don’t doubt your sincerity and intentions, Sam. In my anger and bitterness, I became blind and mistrusting and put you inside a box that I’ put anyone who had judged me. I put you in the same category as those that thought I wasn’t good enough, for them. I realized that’s where you were different. You genuinely cared and valued me for who I was and what I brought to your life. I couldn’t ask for anything more, but it isn’t the kind of love that I need in mine.

  There is no question that I have always deserved much more than that and was worthy of getting that desired look from a man, you know the kind. The look that said ‘I can’t live without you.’ I have always wanted to be loved in every single way and a man who would give me his heart. I won’t settle because you see, I am enough.

  So I thought long and hard, and after the presentation, I am submitting my letter of resignation and taking leave. Don’t blame yourself for any of this because it isn’t anything that you did specifically because all you did was be yourself. I chose to leave because it is hard for me to not want more. Honestly, I need to find myself and a way to let all of this anger towards life go so that I can make room for that one guy who deserves me.

  Please don’t try to talk to me about this as nothing you will say will get me to change my mind and stay. Frankly, I wouldn’t be able to handle the conversation. Just let me have my pride. I’ll always be grateful.

  ~ Jamie

  P.S. I’m sorry I didn’t mention this earlier.

  Chapter Ten

  JAMIE

  PROFESSOR FELIX AND SEVERAL OF THE STUDENTS from the dojo were signed up for another match at the Uncharted 45 tournament. The Mixed Martial Arts competition was held in Las Vegas that Saturday, four hours away and it was Professor Felix’s idea to take a road trip in a party bus with those that were competing and anyone who wanted to come and show their support.

  Those that didn’t were invited to attend the victory party on Sunday night he planned ahead of time to celebrate everyone’s win. It was going to be held at Professor Felix’s house with his wife and kids whether he or anyone competing actually won or not.

  Unfortunately, I couldn’t go along and attend as I had to get rest before my big presentation the following week and then submit my letter of resignation. I was far too disheartened to go and enjoy myself let alone bring my friends along. I just wanted to hide under my bed covers for a couple of days and cry some more, but I had told Professor Felix I would be at the victory party on Sunday to show my support.

  The weekend came too fast for me, and before I knew it, it was the night of the party. I received texts from others that most of the competitors placed in the division categories that they competed in but Professor Felix was the only one that came out on top.

  I lived vicariously through them by tracking all of the photos and videos that were posted on social media. They definitely had fun, and she was proud of them and started to feel excited about the party. It had been a miserable few weeks, and I could use something like a party to get drunk at and forget it all, even if it was only for an evening.

  None of my friends were available, so I had to go alone. Praying that Sam wasn’t there, I didn't dare run into him, and I had to go. Mustering all the courage I had, I grabbed my keys and took off for the party.

  By the time I arrived, the party was already going with R&B music blasting, loud cheers and laughter and the street was packed with parked cars. It took me several minutes to find a parking spot a half block away, but I found one. It was great to see it packed because it showed that a lot of people united for one common cause – victory. Inside of Professor Felix’s house, there were hundreds of people, many in his living room I didn’t recognize at first until I walked further inside past his kitchen into his backyard.

  I recognized other students from the dojo there, and as I stood in the doorway, I reveled in the joy and bliss everyone felt. I finally understood what it felt like; the feeling that everything was alright in the world and this was where she belongs. Not Sutton Hill, not among the aristocrats or the elite. Wherever I felt loved and valued, that was home. It didn’t matter what I thought before, this must be the void that was missing.

  I wondered if everyone had a void in their lives and if so, what did they do to fill it. I spent the next hour downing one tequila shot after another hoping I would get inebriated and just let loose for once.

  “I need to use the restroom. I’ll be right back.” I muttered as I made my way to the closest bathroom that was adjacent to the living room. Fortunately for me, it was available, “Great! It’s open.”

  I sighed as I went inside and shut the door. A couple of minutes later, as I stepped into the living room to head back outside and rejoin the partygoers, I immediately slammed into a brick wall, more like a man’s body.

  “Shit.” I stumbled backward. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.”
Looking up it was Sam. Great.

  I did not think he would have come to the party due to his busy schedule, but apparently, he showed up for the same reason I did, to show his support no matter what.

  “Hi.” Sam gazed at me solemnly.

  “Excuse me,” I said abruptly and shoved past him, but before I could escape, he grabbed my arm.

  “Jamie, we need to talk.”

  “What’s with the grabbing of my arm all the time?”

  “Are you drunk?”

  “No, and there’s nothing to say. Leave me be.” I pulled my arm away from his grasp and stumbled towards the backyard.

  “Come on, Jamie. I am trying to talk to you.”

  I stopped walking and turned around, “You know this is a pretty big party, looks like there are hundreds of people here. I don’t think there’s any reason why we need to run into each other. Now, if you don’t mind me, I’m going outside.” I needed fresh air, away from the part and the drinks and mostly away from him.

  Stepping out onto the front porch I breathed in the cold evening air and exhaled heavily. I couldn’t go just one night, one party without seeing Sam? Seeing him felt like I was getting stabbed in the heart repeatedly not that I knew what that felt like, but it had to be similar. How was I ever going to get through the night with him there, following me? I couldn’t leave, I hadn’t been there long enough.

  “Jamie, we can talk out here or in there, either way, I’m not leaving until we do,” Sam said as he came outside.

  “Then I guess you’re going to be here a very long time.” I cracked.

  “Jamie…” Sam sighed before choosing his words carefully. “Jamie, I know we haven’t known each other long or spent that much time together, but whether you believe me or not, I consider you one of my greatest friends. You are an amazing individual and someone that I can really talk to. I don’t want to think you were all of that because you were trying to win me over.”